My list of fears are large and varied.
One of my earliest memories is being at my brothers school assembly of some kind at Bramble Brae Primary Northfield circa 1980.
There must have been a performance and we had to clap. Surrounded by strangers I felt something that made me clench my fists and clap like that instead. Somewhere inside I realised that clapping made a noise, noise brings attention, attention brings people. And I didn’t want that. At least thats my memory of it.
A few years later I may or may not have swallowed a bit of lego (it never “passed”). I had to stay in hospital overnight and as I lay there tucked in like I was planning an escape (I probably was) I felt a cough coming.
I held it in because I didn’t want the attention of the staff on the ward. But what happened was a small cough turned into a loud splutter and my intentions were in tatters as the staff came running.!
It seems bizarre to me and possibly disingenuous to you that I would write this blog post, do videos, podcasts, social media, work shops etc all in the name of starting a business and be scared of attention. But then we are complicated creatures full of contradictions and I’m no different.
What has any of this got to do with Doric Skateboards, skateboarding, screen printing, design blah blah?
None of this started out with a plan and a destination. It ‘s just morphed and grown in various directions organically. Perhaps if I had been more business/financially focused I’d be writing this on a brand new macbook (and not my day job laptop) and be doing this full or part time. Perhaps I would be following a Dropship type business model for the clothing. But I do things my way for good or bad! Thats not to say I don’t take advice, I really do. No one is a one man band.
I work on my fears all the time. Each time I post on social media or do one of these I am already second guessing what people will think, followed swiftly by the other part of me that tells me people are way less interested in me and what I do than I think. ; )
I’ll always be a fearful person. Its like that game where you whack all those moles with a hammer, then one more pops up! I conquer one for a day and then it transfers to something else. My main fear now is getting back on my skateboard. It consumes my thoughts at times and the longer it goes the bigger its built up. I am 100% embarrassed by how bad I am and that is part of what stops me.
My approach to handling these things has always been the same. When I was young and went to the skatepark I was elated when it was empty. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy skating with friends (shout out Team Oatcake!) - I did. But if I was solo I didn’t have the social skills to adapt if there was a group there. So if it was empty I would anxiously have fun until more people turned up then I would slink away.
And 25ish years later when I started to learn to screen print I would turn up to Peacocks Studio with some screens under my arm. But if anyone else was there I would either:
Change my mind and go home.
Do the absolute bare minimum and then scurry away.
At all times keep what I was doing hidden so no one could see it.
I’ve become way more relaxed when going to Peacocks now. I understand when people think of these places as pretentious, arty places that are impenetrable.
Some of that is true. ; )
But mostly its just normal folk getting on with their own thing.
Will I find the same peace of mind with getting back on my board? Will I find the confidence I had a few years ago when I would go for wee night time skates on my own?
Who knows?
